Gray John. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.

Bonnie , meets regularly with her women's support group. Getting this outside support greatly enhances our relationship. It frees us from looking to each other as the sole source of support. In addition, by listening to others share their successes and failures our own problems tend to shrink.

Taking Time to Listen
Whether you are privately writing down your thoughts and feelings on your computer or sharing them in therapy, in your relationships, or in a support group, you are taking an important step for yourself. When you take the time to listen to your feelings you are in effect saying to the little feeling person inside "You matter. You deserve to be heard and I care enough to listen." I hope you will use this Love Letter Technique because I have witnessed it transform the lives of thousands of people, including my own. As you write more Love Letters it becomes easier and works better. It takes practice, but it is worth it.

Chapter 12
How to Ask for Support and Get It

If you are not getting the support you want in your relationships a significant reason may be that you do not ask enough or you may ask in a way that doesn't work. Asking for love and support is essential to the success of any relationship. If you want to G-E-T then you have to A-S-K. Both men and women have difficulty asking for support. Women, however, tend to find it much more frustrating and disappointing to ask for support than men do. For this reason, I will be addressing this chapter to women. Of course, men will deepen their understanding of women if they too read this chapter.

WHY WOMEN DON'T ASK
Women make the mistake of thinking they don't have to ask for support. Because they intuitively feel the needs of others and give whatever they can, they mistakenly expect men to do the same. When a woman is in love, she instinctively offers her love. With great delight and enthusiasm, she looks for ways to offer her support. The more she loves someone, the more motivated she is to offer her love. Back on Venus, everyone automatically gives support, so there was no reason to ask for it. In fact, not needing to ask is one of the ways they show their love for one another. On Venus their motto is "Love is never having to ask!" Because this is her reference point, she assumes that if her partner loves her, he will offer his
support and she won't have to ask. She may even purposefully not ask as a test to see if he really loves her. To pass the test, she requires that he anticipate her needs and offer his unsolicited support !
This approach to relationships with men doesn't work. Men are from Mars, and on Mars if you want support you simply have to ask for it. Men are not instinctively motivated to offer their support; they need to be asked. This can be very confusing because if you ask a man for support in the wrong way he gets turned off, and if you don't ask at all you'll get little or none. In the beginning of a relationship, if a woman doesn't get the support she wants, she then assumes that he is not giving because he has nothing more to give. She patiently and lovingly continues to give. assuming that sooner or later he'll catch up. He assumes, however, he is giving enough, because she continues giving to him. He doesn't realize she is expecting him to give back. He thinks that if she needed or wanted more she would stop giving. But since she is from Venus, she not only wants more but also expects him to offer his support without being asked. But he is waiting for her to start asking for support if she wants it. If she is not asking for support he assumes he is giving enough. Eventually, she may ask for his support, but by this time she has given so much more and feels so much resentment that her request is really a demand. Some women will resent a man simply because they have to ask for his support. Then, when they do ask, even if he says yes and gives her some support, she will still resent that she had to ask. She feels "If I have to ask, it doesn't count." Men do not respond well to demands and resentment. Even if a man is willing to give support, her resentment or demands will lead him to say no. Demands are a complete turn off. Her chances of getting his support are dramatically reduced when a request becomes a demand. In some cases he will even give less for a while if he senses that she is demanding more. This pattern makes relationships with men very difficult for the unaware women. Though this problem may feel insurmountable, it can be solved. By remembering that men are from Mars you can learn new ways to ask for what you want; ways that work. In my seminars I have trained thousands of women in the art of asking, and they repeatedly have had immediate success. In this chapter we will explore the three steps involved in asking for and getting what you want. They are: (1) Practice asking correctly for what you're already getting. (2) Practice asking for more, even when you know he will say no, and accept his no. (3) Practice assertive asking.

Step 1: Asking Correctly For What You Are Already Getting
The first step in learning how to get more in your relationships is to practice asking for what you are already getting. Become aware of what your partner is already doing for you. Especially the little things, like carrying boxes, fixing things, cleaning up, making calls, and other little chores. The important part of this stage is to begin asking him to do the little things he already does and not to take him for granted. Then when he does those things give him a lot of appreciation. Temporarily give up expecting him to offer his support unsolicited.
In step 1, it is important not to ask for more than what he is used to giving. Focus on asking him to do little things that he normally does. Allow him to become used to hearing you ask for things in a non demanding tone. When he hears a demanding tone, no matter how nicely you phrase your request, all he hears is that he is not giving enough. This makes him feel unloved and unappreciated. His tendency is then to give less until you appreciate what he is already giving.
He may be conditioned by you (or his mother) immediately to say no to your requests. In step 1 you will be reconditioning him to respond positively to your requests. When a man gradually realizes that he is appreciated and not taken for granted and that he pleases you, he will want to respond positively to your requests when he can. Then he will begin automatically offering his support. But this advanced stage shouldn't be expected in the beginning.
But there's another reason to start by asking him for what he's already giving. You need to be sure you're asking in a way he can bear you and respond. That's what I mean when I say "asking correctly."



Secrets For Motivating a Man
There are five secrets of how to correctly ask a Martian for support. If they are not observed, he may be easily turned off. They are: appropriate timing, non demanding attitude, be brief, be direct, and use correct wording. Let's look at each more closely:
1. Appropriate Timing: Be careful not to ask him to do something that he is obviously just planning to do. For example, if he is about to empty the trash, don't say "Could you empty the trash?" He will feel you are telling him what to do. Timing is crucial. Also if he is fully focused on something don't expect him immediately to respond to your request.
2. Non demanding Attitude: Remember, a request is not a demand. If you have a resentful or demanding attitude, no matter how carefully you choose your words, he will feel unappreciated for what he has already given and probably say no.
3. Be Brief: Avoid giving him a list of reasons why he should help you. Assume that he doesn't have to be convinced. The longer you explain yourself the more he will resist, Long explanations validating your request make him feel as though you don't trust him to support you. He will start to feel manipulated instead of free to offer his support. Just as a woman who is upset doesn't want to hear a list of reasons and explanations about why she shouldn't be upset, a man doesn't want to hear a list of reasons and explanations about why he should fulfill her request. Women mistakenly give a list of reasons to justify their needs. They think it will help him