The Anatomy of PEACE. RESOLVING THE HEART OF CONFLICT. The Arbinger Institute

troubled and inspired as a result; trou�bled because you know that the box is always just a choice away but hopeful for the very same reason because freedom from the box is also just a choice away�a choice that is available to us in every moment.
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"May I mention one more thing to you before we go our separate ways today?" he asked. "Please," everyone answered.
"I want to share with you why we chose to name our pro�gram Camp Moriah."
24 � Peace on Mount Moriah
"As we mentioned earlier," Yusuf began, "Mount Moriah is the hill in Jerusalem that is graced by the Muslim shrine known as the Dome of the Rock. This real estate is no doubt the most religiously revered in the world. It is valued by Muslims as one of their holiest sites, remembered by Jews and Christians alike as the site of the Holy Temple in ancient times, and looked to by some as the site at which another temple will one day be built. The eyes and hearts of the world are focused on Mount Moriah.
"Because of this, that revered piece of land is an outward symbol both of our conflicts and our possibilities. One side may say it is their holy place, set apart for millennia. Others may be�lieve it was bequeathed them by God. There seems to be little opportunity for peace in such views. Looked at in another way, however, this passionate belief provides the portal to peace, for only one who cherishes and reveres something can understand what it means to others who regard it the same way.
"From within the box, passions, beliefs, and personal needs seem to divide us. When we get out of the box, however, we learn that this has been a lie. Our passions, beliefs, and needs do not divide but unite: it is by virtue of our own passions, be�liefs, and needs that we can see and understand others'. If we have beliefs we cherish, then we know how important others' beliefs must be to them. And if we have needs, then our own experience equips us to notice the needs of others. To scale
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Mount Moriah is to ascend a mountain of hope. At least it is if one climbs in a way that lifts his soul to an out-of-the-box summit�a place from where he sees not only buildings and homes but people as well.
"And so, a land stands divided. And within that land, a meaning-filled hill stands as a symbol both of the divide and of the hope for overcoming it.
"Our homes and workplaces are divided as well. Within each rise our own Mount Moriahs � outward issues that come to symbolize all of the inner turmoil we are feeling. In one home it might be the dishes, in another the finances, and in yet another the disciplining of the children. At work, we may come to focus on the title or the status or the level of respect we think we deserve. We begin to do battle around these issues, and the more we battle, the larger they loom on the landscape until finally our home and workplace quakes build mountains so high they create their own weather systems. If you don't believe me, just witness what happens to the climate in a room when parties start doing battle around one of their Mount Moriahs.
"The issue, of course, is not the mountain, whether that mountain is the dishes or the lawn or the title; or whether, for that matter, the mountain is Mount Moriah itself. No, the issue lies beneath the mountain in the realities in our hearts that make these mountains our battlegrounds.
"Lasting solutions to our outward conflicts are possible only to the extent that we find real solutions to our inner ones. An uneasy detente may be possible in Israel by focusing only on the surface of things � on economics, for example, or on security. But lasting peace will not be. The same can be said for our homes and workplaces."
"But detente is preferable to bloodshed," Gwyn said.
PEACE ON MOUNT MORIAH
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"It certainly is," Yusuf agreed. "But let's not fool ourselves. Cool detente, while preferable today, is still a war waiting for tomorrow. Lasting solutions to the battles in our workplaces, homes, and battlefields will come only as we end the war in our souls. We end that war first by finding and extending our out-of- the-box places. And we help others out of their inner wars by being for them an out-of-the-box place ourselves�the way Ben was for me, the way Hamish was for Avi, the way Mei Li and Mike were for Jenny, and the way all of you have become for one another. We have begun living the pyramid together, which is why our feelings today are so much more peaceful than they were yesterday morning."
The group looked around at each other.
"My friends," Yusuf said, "Avi and I and the team here promise that we will strive to be that kind of place for your chil�dren. We will take off our shoes toward them, hoping to create a space that invites them to ponder their lives anew and make changes they would do well to make. We invite you to do the same, whatever that might mean for you."
Lou looked to the day, sixty days in the future, when he would once again see his boy�shoeless, he hoped, if he could maintain what he had learned until then. In the meantime, he had some letters to write.
"But what if my boy still does drugs?" Miguel asked. "What if this program doesn't fix him?"
"Then he will be lucky to have a father like you, Miguel, who will strive to love him all the same."
"But I don't want him on drugs!"
"No. Of course you don't. Which is why you won't stop try�ing to help him, no matter how long it takes. Even if he doesn't like it.
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"Don't misunderstand," Yusuf added. "Despite our best efforts, we may find that some battles are unavoidable. Some around us will inevitably choose war. May we in those cases re�member Saladin and remember that while certain outward bat�tles may need to be fought, they can nevertheless be fought with hearts that are at peace.
"And," he said as he looked appreciatively around the room, "may we remember the deeper lesson as well: that your, and my, and the world's hoped-for outward peace depends most fully not on the peace we seek or the wars we wage without but on the peace we establish within.
"Which should bring you hope," he added. "It means that however bleak things look on the outside, the peace that starts it all, the peace within, is merely a choice away. A choice that changes everything. You already know this, as you are already beginning to feel differently about your children.
"If we can find our way to peace toward children who have stolen from us, spouses who have mistreated us, and even drunks who have taken our fathers from us," he said, glancing at Gwyn, "what mountains are too high for human hearts to scale?
"Your spouse, your children, your colleagues, your enemies � may you choose to see them all as people, and may you there�fore discover solutions you've never known and summits you can enjoy together."
Index
A
abuse, 101-105 agents of change, 18 al-Din, Nur, 22 al-Din, Yusuf Salah (Saladin),
22-26, 28-30 al-Falah, Yusuf, background of, 4 allies, 51
And There Was Light
(Lusseyran), 175 apologies, 90
Arab and Israeli violence, 81-85 Arafat, Yasir, 180-181 Arrig, Ben, 183, 185-187, 189, 191, 193-195, 196
B
Balian of Ibelin, 22-26 Banu Qurayza, 21 battles, 224 behavior, 29-30, 217 being in the world with others,
79-80 betrayal, 134, 136
self-, 90-91, 92, 94, 106-107, 130, 137 better than box, 107, 108, 184, 185
blame, 106, 127, 145, 149, 164, 166, 171-173, 176, 190, 195-196
boxes
better than box, 107, 108,
184, 185 freedom from the box, 219 getting out of the box, 164�165, 166, 171, 173-177, 196-197, 203-204, 205�211
I-deserve box, 111, 125 must-be-seen-as box, 115,
121, 137, 219 out-of-the-box places, 174, 176, 188-189, 194-195, 200
recognition of one's, 134-135 self-justifying, 164 staying out of the box, 197�198
worse-than box, 120, 121, 125 Buber, Martin, 79-80 building relationships, 208-211,
212, 214-218 bullying, 19
C
Camp Moriah, naming of, 221�223
change, identifying needed, 13�19
Change Pyramid, 15, 201 changing others, 217
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� THE ANATOMY OF PEACE
changing ourselves, 218 choice diagram, 89, 97, 131, 195 choices, heart at war versus heart
at peace, 128-129 Christianity, 21 clarity, inner, 173-177 cogito, ergo sum, 78-80 collusion, 43-44, 48, 52 collusion diagram, 43, 46-47, 51 communication, 13, 17, 205 compassion, 104 conflict
characteristics of, 54 escalation of, 51 kinds of, 200-201 passive nature of, 48 contempt, 96-97 correction, 205, 214-217 Crusaders, 22
D
dehumanizing others, 149-150
Descartes, Rene, 78-79
desire, 134-135
despair, 181
Din, Nur al-, 22
Din, Yusuf Salah al- (Saladin),
22-26, 28-30 disagreeable versus disagree�ment, 46 domestic violence, 101-105
E
efforts, allocation of, 15-16 F
failure, 207, 217, 219
Falah, Yusuf al-, background of, 4
freedom from the box, 219
G
getting out of the box, 164-165, 166, 171, 173-177, 196-197, 203-204, 205-211
H
hardships, dwelling on, 100 heart at peace, 26-27, 60, 124-125, 157, 197-198, 203. See also Peacemaking Pyramid heart at war, 30, 35, 40, 105,
124-125, 126, 195 Heidegger, Martin, 78-80 honor, 134 hope, 224
humaneness/humanity, 28-30, 94
humanizing others, 63-64 I
I-deserve box, 111, 125 internal peace, 173-177, 179 interpersonal warfare, 57 inviting change, 15 Ishmael, 53-54 Israel, 52, 81-85
J
Jerusalem, 20-21, 22, 81-82 judgments, noticing differences
versus, 108 justification of feelings, 87-91, 94, 149 as excuse, 120-121 grabbing for, 138 styles of, 107-108, 111-112, 115-116, 117-119
INDEX
� 227
L
Lavon, Mordechai, 83-89, 97�99, 106, 131-132, 135, 178,
187-189 leaders, 159, 164 learning, 205, 206-211
lessons of the Peacemaking Pyra�mid, 214-220 liberating questions, 186-187,
190-191, 194 listening and learning, 205-211 Lusseyran, Jacques, 175 lust for oneself, 143
M
Middle East, 20-21, 207 Mordechai Lavon story, 83-89, 97-99, 106, 131-132, 135, 178, 187-189 Mount Moriah, 53, 221-223 Muslims, 21, 29, 53 must-be-seen-as box, 115, 121, 137, 219
N
negotiations/negotiators, 35 O
objects, people as, 78-80, 103�104, 115 out-of-the-box places, 174, 176,
188-189, 194-195, 200
P