The Anatomy of PEACE. RESOLVING THE HEART OF CONFLICT. The Arbinger Institute

M WAR TO PEACE
"Sure."
"Well, then," Yusuf continued, after the two of them had left. "You've now met our secret weapon�the young people here at Camp Moriah who work the miracles in your children's lives. I'd like to discuss something that follows from what they just taught us.
"Most wars between individuals are of the 'cold' rather than the 'hot' variety�lingering resentment, for example, grudges long held, resources clutched to rather than shared, help not offered. These are the acts of war that most threaten our homes and workplaces. And the principles Mei Li shared with us apply no less in those environments than they do here on the trail with your youth. Think about our workplaces, for example. Think of the privileges we may retain for ourselves while we ap�ply other standards to those who work for us�privileges re�garding vacation time, for example, the choice parking spot, the special perks, the public spotlight, the differences between what we have to do to get something to happen and what everyone else in our organization has to do. Which of these are necessary or unavoidable, and which of them do we retain because we think we are better than others, more vital, and deserve special treatment?"
"But what if you are?" Lou challenged, although good- naturedly.
"More vital, you mean?"
"Yes."
"Then I would start wondering what special accommoda�tions are vital in order for me to perform my vital function, and what perks are simply personal indulgences. In other words, which of them are the candy bars and inflatable mattresses, and which of them are the radios and first-aid kits?"
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"But why should that be the question?" Lou countered. "If I've worked all my life to get to where I am, shouldn't I be able to enjoy it?"
Yusuf smiled, clearly enjoying the exchange. "Yes, Lou. Ab�solutely. And that's just the point, isn't it, because everyone else wants to enjoy the fruits of their labors as well. The question for you as the leader is whether you are going to create an environ�ment that is as enjoyable for your people as it is for you�a place that they are as excited about and devoted to as you are. The best leaders are those whom people want to follow. We have a different word for people whom others follow only because of force or need. We call them tyrants."
Tyrants. The word echoed uncomfortably in Lou's ear, for it was what one of Lou's fired executives, Jack Taylor, had called him. No doubt what Cory would say as well, he reflected.
What Lou didn't say was that no one who pulled up at Zagrum Company would have the least question which car was Lou's, which office was Lou's, which desk was Lou's, which fur�nishings were Lou's. And Lou certainly played by a different set of rules than the rest. Others had to get his approval for any ex�penditure over $2,000, for example. He, on the other hand, could spend whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. But I'm the boss! he defended himself.
"So what are you saying, Yusuf?" he challenged. "That I don't deserve anything extra for all that I've done? I've built the company, for heaven's sake."
"Alone?"
"Excuse me?"
"You've built the company alone?"
"No, that's not what I meant."
"No? It's what you said."
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"Well it's not what I meant." Lou struggled to find the right words. "I mean that I led the building. It wouldn't have hap�pened but for me."
"You're no doubt right, Lou. No doubt at all. So here's the question: What's more important to you now � flaunting your well-earned important status or building a team and organiza�tion that will outlive you, surpass you, grow beyond you, and ultimately thank and revere you? What do you want, Lou?"
This question brought Lou squarely back to the mutiny in the boardroom. Kate Stenarude, Jack Taylor, Nelson Mumford, Kirk Weir, Don Shilling�Lou wrote their obituaries that morn�ing, and with them, perhaps, the obituary of his "baby," Zagrum. Who am I kidding? he taunted himself. We're on the way down. No one's going to thank me, much less revere me. That devotion was reserved for Kate.
Kate. All of a sudden her name took on new meaning. She was one of the people, Lou thought to himself. That's why every�one loved her. And followed her. She didn't think she was any better�more fortunate maybe, but no better.
"I'll be damned!" Lou blurted aloud, shaking his head. "I'll be damned."
"Excuse me?" Yusuf said.
"I just fired the one person in my company," Lou began, his eyes glassy as he spoke, "who refused to play by a different set of rules from everyone else. She treated everyone the same. Drove me crazy sometimes, the attention she would give to some of the staff�even the temps." Lou paused. "I even caught her helping the janitorial staff clean the cafeteria one day when they were shorthanded. I couldn't believe it. Thought she was wast�ing her time and my money. But they loved her for it," he said, shaking his head in realization. "Always made a point of parking
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at the far end of the lot too. Claimed she needed the exercise." It suddenly struck him that it wasn't just about the exercise.
"And I'm left with a lot of people like me," he continued, "who think they deserve the best." He shook his head in disgust. "I've had the choice parking spot for years, and the choice every�thing else for that matter, and look what it's gotten me. Since I fired Kate and the others, we've been in crisis. Labor has me over a barrel, everyone's worried, our production is down, our customers are wondering what's going on. And here I sit in Arizona�partly because I need to be here, and partly because I don't have a clue what to do about the mess back home. And now it comes to me: I'm the mess. That's what you're saying here�that I'm the mess."
"Well actually, you're the one saying that," Yusuf said sheep�ishly. "I didn't say that."
"That's okay, I'll say it," Elizabeth chided.
Lou was lost in his thoughts. "No wonder everyone loved and followed Kate," he continued mostly to himself. "Damn, have I ever made a mistake."
"So what are you going to do about it?"
"I don't know," he said honestly.
"Perhaps Kate can give you a suggestion," Yusuf answered.
"But I fired her. She's no longer with me."
"On the contrary, Lou, she's never been bigger in your mind than she is now. You might have let her go from your com�pany, but you haven't been able to let her go from your mind. Am I wrong?"
"No, you're right," he said slumping in his chair.
"There is a reason Kate was beloved," Yusuf continued, "a reason people followed her and worked for her. And from what I've heard about Kate, I have a suspicion I know what it was."
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"What?"
"Something that one of our Kates � Mei Li � just taught us. Kate created a space for people at Zagrum that was akin to the space Mei Li helped to create for Jenny. Like Mei Li, I'm bet�ting that when Kate showed up for work each morning, she took off her shoes, or whatever the equivalent of that is in your com�pany. In an environment that is often fearful and ego-driven, she created a space where people could give up their worries and thrive."
Yusuf waited as Lou pondered this.
"Am I right?" he finally asked.
"Yes," Lou said, his mind now far away in a building in Connecticut. "You are."
18 � Surrender
Yusuf tilted his head down to intercept Lou's faraway gaze. "I know that look," he said. "It's how I look when I possess no real conviction that things can ever get better. It is the look of despair and surrender."
Lou took that in and considered it. "Yeah, I suppose that is how I'm feeling," he conceded.
"It's a seductively powerful feeling," Yusuf continued, "this feeling of despairing surrender. But it's a lie."
Lou suddenly perked up. "How so?"
"Because it's assuming something that isn't true."
"What?"
"It's assuming that you're stuck�that you're doomed to continue suffering as you have been."
This was, in fact, what Lou was feeling. He slumped again in his chair.
"Just a moment ago, Lou," Yusuf began, "you said that you were the mess. Not others, but you."
"And that's supposed to make me feel better?" Lou asked forlornly.
"No," Yusuf responded, "but it should give you hope."
"How so?"
"Because if you are the mess, you can clean it. Improve�ment doesn't depend on others."
"But what if the mess isn't purely mine?" Lou responded sullenly. "What if the people around me are just as messed up as I am?"
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Yusuf couldn't help himself: "Then you have a huge prob�lem," he laughed out loud.
"Tell me about it." Lou shook his head pathetically.
"Actually, I'm mostly joking, Lou," Yusuf continued.
"Mostly," Elizabeth noted with a smile.
"Yes," Yusuf agreed, "mostly. Because even if it's the case that everyone at Zagrum is deeply messed up, it's still a hopeful situation."
"How do you figure?"
"Because your despair is being invited by another lie. You're assuming that nothing you can do will change them."
"But that's true," Lou countered. "I can't change them."
"Quite right."
"Then I don't understand your point."
"That's because you surrendered too early," Yusuf smiled. "While it's true we can't make others change, we can invite them to change. After all, didn't Mei Li help to change Jenny?"
Lou thought about Mei Li's story. "Yes, I suppose she did."
Yusuf paused briefly. "Because we are each responsible for our blaming, self-justifying boxes," he continued, "we can each be rid of them. There are no victims so far as the box is con�cerned, only self-made ones. And since by getting out of the box we invite the same in others, we are not even victims with re�spect to others the way we believe we are when we're in the box. We can begin inviting others to make the changes they need to make. In fact, that is what the best leaders and parents do. So if you surrender, Lou, you surrender to a lie. Your box will win."
"Then how?" Lou asked. "How can I fight this box I'm in?"
"The same way Avi fought his and I'm fighting mine."
"How?" Lou repeated.
"I think it might help to hear more of Avi's story," Yusuf said.
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At that, Avi stood back up. "So," he began again, "the Ari�zona outback in the summer of '78."
Lou listened as Avi recounted his initial meeting with Yusuf, their early battles, Avi's anger at everything around him�the hills, the streams, the trees, the earth.
"But everything began to change for me," Avi continued, "during a late-night conversation with Yusuf under a clear, star- laden sky. We were about two weeks into the program at the time, and I'd barely said a word to anyone. 'You know,' Yusuf said to me, as I was lying on my back looking at the stars, 'it's the same night sky we see from Jerusalem.'
"I hesitated. But then I said, 'Yeah�the Big Dipper, the Polar Star. I remember my dad teaching me all about them.'
"At that, I recall Yusuf sitting down next to me. It might have been the first time I didn't pull away from him.
"He said, 'Tell me about your father, Avi.' And I remember launching into a flood of memories from my childhood: how my father took me on walks every day from as early as I can remember, how he taught me the history of our people, how he played soccer with me at the park, how he always cooked Sat�urday breakfast, how I loved to travel with him on his surveying jobs, how he always read to me before I went to bed. It was like a dam broke within me and my memories burst free. All my love for my father, the pain of his loss, and the sadness for no longer having him in my life burst through the box that had been confining my heart. My chest heaved at the loss I had suf�fered and at what I was then suddenly recovering: a longing to be with my father.
"Yusuf just sat there with me and listened. Although he couldn't have known it, he was something of a surrogate for my father that night. If I couldn't be with my father, it was at least
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helpful to be with someone after nearly five years of barricading myself from the world. That night was the beginning of my heal�ing. And I will forever be grateful that it happened at the invi�tation of an Arab. For the blame I had heaped upon the Arab people for my father's death somehow became more difficult to maintain when it was an Arab who helped reintroduce me to my father.
"When I awoke